I sat at the crowded bar, a full glass of cabernet sauvignon in front of me. The proprietor acted as if I were his only customer.
I subtly glanced at the patrons around me, trying to mimic them by sticking my nose far into the glass and inhaling deeply. I pinched the glass stem and swirled, nearly splashing red wine onto my white linen napkin. Eventually I sipped.
"Tastes, uh, great," was my review.
"A little spicy, wouldn't you say? After all, it's unfiltered."
"Spicy. I concur. And you can definitely taste the, um, 'unfilteredness,'" I lied.
"All right then," the bar owner said before moving away. I detected a faint "whoosh" sound, which I assumed were his eyes rolling to the back of his skull.
I know the residents in
So I was overjoyed when my hotel offered a free wine seminar. Upon entering, I was handed a complimentary Wine Aroma Wheel, considered by many to be the Holy Bible of wine lexicon. The center ring contained general "y-ending" terms -- woody, nutty and fruity, to name a few -- while the outer rings were more specific. Once you identify a wine as fruity, the wheel invites you to keep sniffing. Does it smell of citrus, berry, tree fruit, tropical fruit or dried fruit?
I felt like Indiana Jones after he had discovered the Ark of the Covenant. I got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" the instructor asked. "We have three whites and four reds to try."
"Thanks, but it's been a long day and I'm hungry for dinner. Besides, this is all I need."
I found a quaint looking restaurant in downtown
"Bring me something vegetative. Perhaps of the canned-cooked variety with a hint of asparagus."
"I beg your pardon?"
I rotated the wheel to the right. "On second thought, I think I'd rather have something from the microbiological family. Do you have anything lactic yet slightly sweaty?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The wine wheel is doing the talking," I replied. "Tell you what, why don't we start with something more chemical? A little pungent with a whiff of ethyl acetate."
"Isn't that used in nail polish remover?"
"Yes it is. You know your stuff!"
The bartender turned his back briefly and grabbed a bottle from the shelf. "How about you put the wheel away and I start you off with this?"
"What is it?"
"Our house red."
I took a long whiff, swirled and sipped.
Or is the correct word "perfect-y?"
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